3rd June 2025
> I am working on a cleaner layout and will probably not update my website until I finish it. I love how mehlancholia turned out but I can no longer identify with the aesthetics. I focused too much on the design and forgot to add enough content. I would like to focus on the latter from now on but it is too tedious to update a website with such a complicated layout.
> I am feeling like shit, and even my attempts to suppress my negative thoughts come from a place of self-hate. I pass these techniques off as radical methods, when in fact I'm nowhere near the level of clarity and wisdom they require. Example: I'm anxious about meeting someone. I wonder if the person really wants to see me, if they secretly hate me, if they truly want to listen to me, or if they simply feel forced to come. Instead of reassuring myself by reminding myself of my qualities, I'll insist on the egoism behind my anxiety - it's because I think I'm important in the eyes of others that I ask myself so many questions. Social anxiety comes from an excess of egoism: nobody cares about you, except you. Everyone thinks you're not important, except you. That's partly true, but the way I phrase it to myself is extremely cruel - and I know I get pleasure from putting myself down so much. Ideally, of course, I'd like to be able to decentralize myself, but I think the path to getting there is much less direct than I think. I'm looking forward to questioning my methods and finding the right path to take to reach my ascetic ideal.
> I am feeling very inspired by Jain Kim, a climber who's the same height as me (153cm). She is known for her slow and seemingly effortless climbing. She has perfect technique and makes almost no errors, so much so that when she climbs, it sometimes feels like an artistic performance (here's an example). I aspire to climb like her and therefore I try to focus more on making my moves as elegant as possible rather than clumsily doing harder stuff.
> I'd like to do a pull-up by the end of August. Climbing effortlessly also means being strong (just look at Jain Kim's strength...), and being strong also means using your body freely instead of feeling like moving is a burden. I have a pull-up bar at home so now I can finally commit to exercising. My best friend gave me a training program and I am really excited to start exercising. She learned how to do pull-ups at home with a very simple yet efficient routine so I really trust her.
> Happy pride month.
> I am feeling like shit, and even my attempts to suppress my negative thoughts come from a place of self-hate. I pass these techniques off as radical methods, when in fact I'm nowhere near the level of clarity and wisdom they require. Example: I'm anxious about meeting someone. I wonder if the person really wants to see me, if they secretly hate me, if they truly want to listen to me, or if they simply feel forced to come. Instead of reassuring myself by reminding myself of my qualities, I'll insist on the egoism behind my anxiety - it's because I think I'm important in the eyes of others that I ask myself so many questions. Social anxiety comes from an excess of egoism: nobody cares about you, except you. Everyone thinks you're not important, except you. That's partly true, but the way I phrase it to myself is extremely cruel - and I know I get pleasure from putting myself down so much. Ideally, of course, I'd like to be able to decentralize myself, but I think the path to getting there is much less direct than I think. I'm looking forward to questioning my methods and finding the right path to take to reach my ascetic ideal.
> I am feeling very inspired by Jain Kim, a climber who's the same height as me (153cm). She is known for her slow and seemingly effortless climbing. She has perfect technique and makes almost no errors, so much so that when she climbs, it sometimes feels like an artistic performance (here's an example). I aspire to climb like her and therefore I try to focus more on making my moves as elegant as possible rather than clumsily doing harder stuff.
> I'd like to do a pull-up by the end of August. Climbing effortlessly also means being strong (just look at Jain Kim's strength...), and being strong also means using your body freely instead of feeling like moving is a burden. I have a pull-up bar at home so now I can finally commit to exercising. My best friend gave me a training program and I am really excited to start exercising. She learned how to do pull-ups at home with a very simple yet efficient routine so I really trust her.
> Happy pride month.