Eating and moving are the two things I struggle to do the most when I'm alone. My body feels like a burden. I wait until my needs become so urgent that I have no choice but to get out of bed, eat the few foods in my fridge, open the window to get some air, take a few steps outside my room. When I get out of bed, my blood rushes to my head very quickly, and suddenly, I can't see anything. I'm anaemic, I'm tired, I have so little strength, my body is weak. I am weak.

I spend a lot of time on Instagram watching reels. The other day, I came across a video that I was able to focus on for more than 15 seconds (huge). The video simply pointed out, without any real pretension, that a bird that doesn't fly, a horse that doesn't run, and a monkey that doesn't climb are sick animals.

Had it slipped my mind that I'm sick too? I already knew it. But this time, it was different. Because it's never been so obvious to me that I am in a morbid state. So, I said to myself: "I'm going to move my body". And since it is very common for me to plan things that I never do, I asked my wonderful lover for help. I told him: "I want to move my body".

We plan to go hiking very soon (as soon as the weather becomes a little gentler) to realize one of my dearest dreams (or rather, a fantasy): yes, I'm finally going to live my cottagecore/earthcore/goblincore/forestcore/fairycore life. More seriously, I really liked walking in nature as a kid until the very beginning of my adolescence, right when I fell into internet addiction (and depression too). I often dreamed of getting lost in the forest, so much that I sometimes deliberately took hazardous paths in the hope of not finding my way back. I haven't tried to understand this strange desire yet, but I would like to reawaken my love for large organic labyrinths.

I don't blame myself for being so static and passive. I think it's a natural consequence of my mental state, obviously, but also of my painful memories of PE classes in high school. I ended up considering that sport wasn't for me and either way, it attracted me very little. I don’t like sports for sports’ sake, ball games, running, etc. I want to hike mountains, explore forests, overcome obstacles and control my body instead of being controlled by it. That’s what I loved when I was younger, and that’s what I’ve forgotten over time. Anyway, I can’t wait to go hiking (and find out if this drivel was pure romanticization or if I really like this shit…).

In the meantime, my boyfriend encourages me to slowly get back in shape, especially by dragging me to his bouldering sessions. Turns out I love it. Its only flaw is its price. It is incredibly expensive, and the only available discounts are quite ridiculous. Thank goodness I found a way to pay them (my man). We also plan to go walking for a few hours in the forests on the outskirts of Paris, but again, we're waiting for the weather to be good! One (or more) blog posts will be dedicated to my hike. I can’t wait to write about it!