20th November 2024
My psychiatrist told me something so enlightening that I have to write about it before I forget it. As usual, I was blathering about my mood swings, for which I have been known since my earliest childhood. I have a deep-engrained tendency to go from one extreme to another without any visible transition (most of the time, I sleep between my mood changes). For instance, in my last blog entry, I wrote about the mental breakdown I was having at the moment, and I described how it felt as if the only existing thing was the present time, so much so that relativizing felt impossible. I can predict that my outbursts will be temporary and last no more than a few hours, but I cannot feel it. And to my big surprise, the next day I seemed completely healed from what occurred before. When I tried to recall the event, it felt like a distant and blurry memory. And then something triggered me again, and so on and so forth.
How can I explain this? The most obvious – and probably false – explanation is that I might have some kind of mood disorder. But my psychiatrist, who knows me pretty well, gave me a better one. She told me there is no contradiction between my positive and negative moods, the opposition is only superficial. My negative moods are understandable, as they always have a cause, something that triggers me. What we need to understand then is how and why I “forget” my mental breakdowns and replace them with a cheerful and bright attitude. According to my psychiatrist, it is just a coping mechanism. And it makes so much sense.
That very same day, I saw myself coping. I was very moody (always happens after therapy because it makes me think about shitty stuff). When I came home, I started working on a history assignment. As I read through some articles, I felt happy: my curiosity was being satisfied and I was learning interesting facts. And at that very moment, I could feel myself holding on to that positive feeling and turning it into a sign from the Universe, an indicator of my destiny: I, mehlancholia, was feeling happy because I am meant to study history and become a researcher and have an important place in academia and I was never really depressed and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and the meaning of my life and I will succeed in my studies and my career and it was never that serious and I will write a thesis as soon as possible and become the excellent student that I always knew I was and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAÀ̴͉̪̻̦̠̜̩̱̩̺̄̐̆̏̅͝A̶͚̒̈̈́̈́̀AA AAAĄ̷̘̬͓̰̘͚̿̉͆̓̓͘͠͠͝͝Ǎ̸̡̪̳̳͎͖͂̇̽̋͛̄̀̀͠A̴̢̙̳̫̪͈̭̔̌̎̈́̄͛̕͠AȂ̷͕̪̣̫̟̜͇͕̇̋̒͋͜AAAẢ̵̩̯̹Ả̷̧̡̟̙̺̭̣̲̟͎͋́AA̷̛̳̹̳̞̭̠̩̥̪̅̑̀͛̉̋͜AAA̵̰̾͝͝AA̷̺̮͈̹͓̮̥̋͑̌̀̓͘A̵͇̱̿̽̑͑͒͋̓͘͘͝AAĄ̷̡̼͇̙̂̆͋͂̚AA̵͎̬̝͕͕͖̮̓́̒͆̿̕Á̵̡̧̙̟̣̹̱̲̹̔̃̌̿À̶̢͉͉̣̂̀̀͒̐̍̚͜͝Ą̵̧̲̜͙̞̹̗͖̾̅̒̈͋̓̓̉A̶̪͝A̵̡̭͎̳̗͊Ḁ̵̧̨͉̠̝͒̊͐̾A̶̝̪̋͌̑̍̾͊̋̃̚͠A̶̩̙͆̓̓̇Ä̷̢̧͇͔̙͖̔̋̊͛͘͘A̶͍̣͙̳̩̰̮͓͛͐̀̓̔͛̎̇̚̚͜͜Å̵̦̘͐À̴͉̪̻̦̠̜̩̱̩̺̄̐̆̏̅͝A̶͚̒̈̈́̈́̀Ą̷̘̬͓̰̘͚̿̉͆̓̓͘͠͠͝͝Ǎ̸̡̪̳̳͎͖͂̇̽̋͛̄̀̀͠A̴̢̙̳̫̪͈̭̔̌̎̈́̄͛̕͠Ȃ̷͕̪̣̫̟̜͇͕̇̋̒͋͜ Ả̵̩̯̹Ả̷̧̡̟̙̺̭̣̲̟͎͋́A̷̛̳̹̳̞̭̠̩̥̪̅̑̀͛̉̋͜A̵̰̾͝͝A̷̺̮͈̹͓̮̥̋͑̌̀̓͘A̵͇̱̿̽̑͑͒͋̓͘͘͝Ą̷̡̼͇̙̂̆͋͂̚A̵͎̬̝͕͕͖̮̓́̒͆̿̕Á̵̡̧̙̟̣̹̱̲̹̔̃̌̿À̶̢͉͉̣̂̀̀͒̐̍̚͜͝Ą̵̧̲̜͙̞̹̗͖̾̅̒̈͋̓̓̉A̶̪͝A̵̡̭͎̳̗͊Ḁ̵̧̨͉̠̝͒̊͐̾A̶̝̪̋͌̑̍̾͊̋̃̚͠A̶̩̙͆̓̓̇Ä̷̢̧͇͔̙͖̔̋̊͛͘͘A̶͍̣͙̳̩̰̮͓͛͐̀̓̔͛̎̇̚̚͜͜Å̵̦̘͐
How can I explain this? The most obvious – and probably false – explanation is that I might have some kind of mood disorder. But my psychiatrist, who knows me pretty well, gave me a better one. She told me there is no contradiction between my positive and negative moods, the opposition is only superficial. My negative moods are understandable, as they always have a cause, something that triggers me. What we need to understand then is how and why I “forget” my mental breakdowns and replace them with a cheerful and bright attitude. According to my psychiatrist, it is just a coping mechanism. And it makes so much sense.
That very same day, I saw myself coping. I was very moody (always happens after therapy because it makes me think about shitty stuff). When I came home, I started working on a history assignment. As I read through some articles, I felt happy: my curiosity was being satisfied and I was learning interesting facts. And at that very moment, I could feel myself holding on to that positive feeling and turning it into a sign from the Universe, an indicator of my destiny: I, mehlancholia, was feeling happy because I am meant to study history and become a researcher and have an important place in academia and I was never really depressed and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and the meaning of my life and I will succeed in my studies and my career and it was never that serious and I will write a thesis as soon as possible and become the excellent student that I always knew I was and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAÀ̴͉̪̻̦̠̜̩̱̩̺̄̐̆̏̅͝A̶͚̒̈̈́̈́̀AA AAAĄ̷̘̬͓̰̘͚̿̉͆̓̓͘͠͠͝͝Ǎ̸̡̪̳̳͎͖͂̇̽̋͛̄̀̀͠A̴̢̙̳̫̪͈̭̔̌̎̈́̄͛̕͠AȂ̷͕̪̣̫̟̜͇͕̇̋̒͋͜AAAẢ̵̩̯̹Ả̷̧̡̟̙̺̭̣̲̟͎͋́AA̷̛̳̹̳̞̭̠̩̥̪̅̑̀͛̉̋͜AAA̵̰̾͝͝AA̷̺̮͈̹͓̮̥̋͑̌̀̓͘A̵͇̱̿̽̑͑͒͋̓͘͘͝AAĄ̷̡̼͇̙̂̆͋͂̚AA̵͎̬̝͕͕͖̮̓́̒͆̿̕Á̵̡̧̙̟̣̹̱̲̹̔̃̌̿À̶̢͉͉̣̂̀̀͒̐̍̚͜͝Ą̵̧̲̜͙̞̹̗͖̾̅̒̈͋̓̓̉A̶̪͝A̵̡̭͎̳̗͊Ḁ̵̧̨͉̠̝͒̊͐̾A̶̝̪̋͌̑̍̾͊̋̃̚͠A̶̩̙͆̓̓̇Ä̷̢̧͇͔̙͖̔̋̊͛͘͘A̶͍̣͙̳̩̰̮͓͛͐̀̓̔͛̎̇̚̚͜͜Å̵̦̘͐À̴͉̪̻̦̠̜̩̱̩̺̄̐̆̏̅͝A̶͚̒̈̈́̈́̀Ą̷̘̬͓̰̘͚̿̉͆̓̓͘͠͠͝͝Ǎ̸̡̪̳̳͎͖͂̇̽̋͛̄̀̀͠A̴̢̙̳̫̪͈̭̔̌̎̈́̄͛̕͠Ȃ̷͕̪̣̫̟̜͇͕̇̋̒͋͜ Ả̵̩̯̹Ả̷̧̡̟̙̺̭̣̲̟͎͋́A̷̛̳̹̳̞̭̠̩̥̪̅̑̀͛̉̋͜A̵̰̾͝͝A̷̺̮͈̹͓̮̥̋͑̌̀̓͘A̵͇̱̿̽̑͑͒͋̓͘͘͝Ą̷̡̼͇̙̂̆͋͂̚A̵͎̬̝͕͕͖̮̓́̒͆̿̕Á̵̡̧̙̟̣̹̱̲̹̔̃̌̿À̶̢͉͉̣̂̀̀͒̐̍̚͜͝Ą̵̧̲̜͙̞̹̗͖̾̅̒̈͋̓̓̉A̶̪͝A̵̡̭͎̳̗͊Ḁ̵̧̨͉̠̝͒̊͐̾A̶̝̪̋͌̑̍̾͊̋̃̚͠A̶̩̙͆̓̓̇Ä̷̢̧͇͔̙͖̔̋̊͛͘͘A̶͍̣͙̳̩̰̮͓͛͐̀̓̔͛̎̇̚̚͜͜Å̵̦̘͐